Feeling: Precarious

Dizzy off and on, again. arches-national-park04That feeling that I could easily tip, topple over. The ground beneath isn’t always steady. I knew the feeling so well as soon as I felt it. Then I tried really hard not to think much about it. Then began to admit it was happening, told a few people, and both my primary doctor and the doctor in Idaho. Got some blood-work done, and an answer from Lymestop. Dizziness is normal in the detox process. Common. Eating clean is my number one defense against any symptoms right now, keeping detox pathways clear.

This would make sense for the stomach aches our whole family has experienced, and the extra aches my husband has again –we got too free with our foods too quickly. Lesson learned! Detox is a long process, dead Lyme bacteria and gunk will take time to cleanse from. So, dialing back toward the detox diet we go.

Meanwhile, I’m realizing that precarious is precisely the word for feeling. A feeling is real, true enough. But is a real feeling, not a real experience. I feel the ground lurch beneath my feet. But it doesn’t. Recent conversations over emotionally tough situations clarified to me just how precarious it is to feel something so strongly. Reality is perceived askew: words are heard and meaning is placed on them far beyond their speaker’s intent, movements and actions or in-actions are imbued with motives. The tricky bit is that very few of us can simply stop feeling for the sake of living only in reality (and I don’t think I could trust those who can or d0). We have to somehow acknowledge and live with what we feel, while also acknowledging what is and wisely maneuvering through them both. I suppose that is part of why fasting with prayer is so effectual, as it causes us to purposefully acknowledge the feeling of discomfort and direct the hunger toward prayer instead of satisfaction and the end of the discomfort. It teaches us to maneuver feeling.

Be very careful, then, how you live -not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. -Apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:16-18) I continue to learn to be more careful in how I live (Lyme may be dead but healing still takes time!). I want to be wise, to make the most of every opportunity. Every meal. Every conversation. Every time I discipline a child or spend a dollar or hear someone speak or type a word. When the Lord’s will is fully accomplished, that is, He is glorified in all the earth, we will even feel it. Until then, feeling will be in the position of being easily toppled and constantly requiring balance: precarious.

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