That is the question I asked myself often this week. Obviously, until today I answered “not!” for several reasons. One being, I was too tired, confused, upset and had no ambition to write. Another being, I couldn’t think of nice things to say. And the final was I had to focus on surviving my kids’ spring break.
We all survived, and even had a few fun things, thanks to God’s gifts of wonderGrandma, superb friends, leftovers and freezer pizza, and some library books and videos. My favorite moment was when my daughter got sick of her older brother correcting her reading out loud, and shouted “stop instagramming me!” -not that any of us knew how to instagram anyway; and then corrected him when it was his turn reading. The lowest point was when my husband heard me over the phone and called my mom who showed up and put me to bed to take over the day. And I’m so glad. It was the first day on a higher-octane antifungal IV medicine. And it trashed my already shaky system for two days. I decided to do it in the evenings the rest of the week, which has worked well other than the fact that it was 4 hours worth of IV’s to run on Wednesday night. But I slept hard, and got a two hour nap on Thursday. For the weekend I get a break from that medicine, and I’ve almost shaken off the headache and ear pain. And I’ve had adult supervision for most of the days since Monday, which has helped. I don’t feel up to much, especially parenting effectively.
I’m so thankful my son took it upon himself to be “Man of the house” today as I napped for an hour and a half while my husband took our daughter to her art workshop all afternoon. He only called two friends (one of whom is 24) about coming over and played quietly and asked me before eating anything or going on Lego.com. Dear boy. Wack-o much of the time. But dear.
So, the dreaded week is closing, and while I tried hard not to fear it’s coming, it came and scared me, and I crumbled nonetheless. And when I prayed, asked for strength, and began saying “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” over and over to myself, in came my mom, or a friend, someone asking what I needed or simply telling me to go to bed and they would take the kids. God sent them, instead of increasing my stoicism. What a kind God. Those who acted as His strength will be rewarded sweetly in heaven for what they did this week. Now I have thoughts to ponder. Such as: what are we going to do with summer? and how will I feel by then? How can I plan for any of it, not knowing what I will be able to do? How much longer on IV’s? I want to be more patient than I am (“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. I hate waiting”), but I’m sick of learning patience. I wait on God’s timing to see the fruit of His healing –right now the healing is in my roots. It will come out in the fruit when the time is right for His glory. Until then, I have to hold to this: “Though waiting can be a difficult discipline, the blessings far outweigh your effort. Moreover, the effort itself can bless you, because it keeps you focusing on Me. As you wait in the Light of My Presence, My Love falls steadily upon you. In this brilliant Love-Light you can sometimes catch glimpses of the Glory revealed in My Face.” (Jesus Lives, p 160 -italics as in the original text) And Love certainly does fall steadily upon me. I have to surrender to that. And take baby steps toward anything else, allowing my body to rest and recover as I go.