This has been a week of forwards and backs.
The first major incident with a new medication happened Friday night when I tried to use a new nebulizer form of doxycycline, levafloxin and itraconazole mix. Ended up in the ER due to how bad I appeared -red face, clogged nose completely, burning nasal passages, and then my system reacted to the trauma with an “episode” of seizure-like muscle spasms that lasted several hours. While it was not an allergic reaction, and I was pretty OK within a day, I could feel the “shaky” feeling my entire nervous system has had back in full force since then. Touch once again bothers me. Noise and motion and all sorts of triggers can be overwhelming quickly. So, some gains were lost this week.
I had a birthday. I was blessed with love, and people who celebrated me. So thankful for that in my life. And still sort of think I’d have been wiser to simply stay home and take a nap as my birthday celebration.
Met with my wellness coach for our final session. She challenged me to write myself a letter to be opened in 5 years. That has been hard to think about. What will I be like in 5 years? How will I be functioning? What do I want to remember, retain, and take with me from who and where I am now into ..whatever I will be? And then I realized my son will be a teenager by then. And some words came to me. In case my “plan A” of Jesus coming back before then doesn’t actually happen.
I leave this weekend again to see the doctor in Maryland. Had to rearrange things and do this a little early, but am glad to go now, discuss reactions and plans, and then hopefully not go at all during April, but the first week of May, then June, then…Excited and a bit nervous to fly with the volunteer pilots in their small aircraft thanks to Angel Flights Mid Atlantic whom I may rely on for all these upcoming trips. I hope my nervous system copes well with it.
I have also been challenged to think about what I am doing to serve others. And convicted that I must do that. As well as Praise God. These are non-optional tasks, because I am a creation of His. And I profess to be a follower of Jesus the Christ -so I’d better act like one, in whatever capacity He makes me able.
So thankfully, I’ve been given conversations, calls, and even had needs that others came to meet for me, and we found that we both had a need the other could fill that day. Just to show I can never outgive the grace, love, provision and hope the Lord has given me, as I was hoping to scrounge up babysitting money for the friend who watched the kids last night so hubby and I could attend parent-teacher conferences, and instead she showed up with a weeks’ worth of treatment money SHE had raised with a pop-can drive! So, I still have to admit my neediness. daily. And be at peace with it and be thankful. Or be cranky. My choice, I suppose.
So, I’m not where I thought I might be by now. I’m not “there” yet. I think I’m still stepping forward most days even if some go back. I’m still not sure what steps lie ahead, or where the road turns, or the mountain gets higher or the way darker or lighter. I look at the posters my kids are coloring (the embedded pictures here) and see what I need to see for today. The things I need to choose now. And in 5 years. And on and on.